i’m not even sad tonight. if anything, i’m content. i’m satisfied with my day. i’m tired. like physically. emotionally, i’m chill, i’m calm. okay, let’s talk about what i did today, shall we? 

i woke up. i felt weird. i sat at the table for half an hour sipping my cold coffee slowly and staring at the closed curtains. all i could think was, it’s so pretty, the sunlight, why do we shut it out. and i then i broke out of my reverie and watched some tv. then i talked to ananye for maybe 15 minutes or so. i asked him that if he could talk to hiranya for 3-4 hours then why not spare over 20 minutes for me? he seemed taken aback by the question but i wasn’t angry, i was genuinely curious, and i hope he knows that. i don’t remember what happened after that. all i know is that by the end i was in tears for no reason and then i picked myself up after realizing that there was no reason and smiled and ate a small spoonful of peanut butter. haha

i watched some more tv and walked around the house while listening to music and cheered myself up. i was sitting and reading and ananye called again. we talked for i think 5 minutes about tang and stuff, haha. then i talked to ekayana for some time about rishabh and his stuff. he seems like a nice guy but his situation is quite similar to what mine was earlier and i hope he gets through. then i had lunch. a nice and spicy salami sandwich and i texted neil for some time. then the light went and i was reading 13 reasons why. mom came home to pick me up for dance class and i got ready and left. i wore shorts today. i felt comfortable. like i wasn’t too fat to be wearing stuff like that or something. i mostly refrain from wearing shorts to class but then i realized that if so many other people my size or even bigger wear shorts to class then why not me? class was nice. our routine turned out more awesome than expected. we have a canon later and i really want to do the front part but for that i need to be more sure about my somersault so i’m going to practice my ass off to get it right. i hate being in the back and i don’t even like the steps for the back parts. i hate turning and travelling that much so i prefer staying in the front part. we laughed a lot in class, every one was a little more loose and enjoying everything today. 

i got home and just before going for a bath ananye called. we talked for a bit about how i want him to talk to me about hiranya because best friends are supposed to be people who can talk to each other about anything and everything without any hesitation and he understood so i’m glad. he was heading for his dads’ place for some errands. he seemed a little upset. he said he’ll call back in 5. i went for a bath in the mean time and he called after that. he told me what was wrong and then we talked about it and i told him to tell his dad and he did. i went to have dinner. we talked again after that. he seemed better. then he went to get chocolate and said he’ll call later. his battery was low and his lights were gone and he was talking to hiranya later so i told him i’d talk to him later and he can talk to her. i finished off 13 reasons why and now i’m on the laptop. bored as hell. and tired out of my bones. watching friends with benefits in the background just for fun. i’m happy, overall 

yay, good night. i love you all. and ananye, stay strong, it gets better, i’m always here for you buddy. 

uh,no

13 reasons why somehow makes me feel like i still have more hope but i just really felt like talking to someone. it’s fine, he was tired, i understand. i just can’t help but connect everything he says to her. like he said he had a great time, i kept thinking it was because she was there. i don’t even know what to think. i’m just losing hope second by second in our staying friends. in my getting over him completely. in getting rid of my complex. in losing weight. in being happier. in being more me. in killing the bad feelings and the root of them. 

i feel happy most of the time but i’m also regaining my wall and i’m learning to pretend again if i’m not okay. it’s better for people around me. i was happy all day. this always happens at night. always. 

i just want to feel like our friendship won’t end. it’s the same thing i wrote yesterday. he’ll stop wanting me around because he’ll have her instead and she must be better, i guess. i mean, i just don’t want to be replaced. but then things happen for a reason so yeah, if it happens, i have to accept it. then he doesn’t need me in his life anymore

i feel disappointed in my self for eating maggie. its fucking 400 calories wtf is wrong with me. i guess i was just too happy at that time to say no to food. i felt so content. and i still do. i just hope i don’t wake up with a big fat belly tomorrow

i really wish i hadn’t woken up today. and i can’t even sleep now. and later if i want to sleep after lunch, my mom won’t let me. fuck my life. 

some thing that i don’t know is that even if i try to deal with something, i get such an awful feeling and even if it goes away it comes back after some time. so how exactly do you kill a feeling? like never make it come back again? i don’t know. i wish i did though because i hate how i’m feeling right now. 

i feel like i’m gradually going to get erased from your life the more you talk to her. and since that’s a lot, i’m expecting it pretty soon. i’m trying to prepare myself for your leaving but every time i do as much as even try, i end up close to tears. i don’t know what to do. and i don’t want to be so unprepared if i’m going to get abandoned. i want to build up my walls again. and i’ll be good at it this time. i’ll build them good, strong and high. i’m not letting anyone in except maybe my counselor. i’m just scared of people getting to know me and leaving me after that for some reason or the other. it’s unfair. it’s painful. it’s devastating. i just hope and pray every night that this is not one of those cases but the same second person living inside my body, keeps telling me you’ll leave. it’s getting to me and i’m trying to keep it out and it’s fucking hard. what do you do when your minds like two different people? when a part of you knows that he cares but the other one keeps trying to convince you he doesn’t. when a part of you makes you hate him but the other part knows that you love and care about him too much. when a part of you hurts you externally and the other part sits inside and cries and feels the pain and asks why you’re doing this to yourself. when a part of you wants to hurt the people you love and who love you and the other part keeps reminding you how important they are to you. what do you do when you’re just stuck in the middle? trying to fight off the bad side? it’s like a monster crept into my head or something. it’s scary. because i see myself differently over a matter of seconds depending on which part is at the surface. the bad part makes me cry and makes me see all the fat on my body and makes me feel like my stomach sticks out a lot even if it doesn’t. it’s almost like i see someone twice my size in the mirror. it makes me look at every spot and flaw all over my body and personality. it makes me dwell on it. and then i push it out and then i can smile when i see myself and feel happy but then right at the back there’s still the other part eating it’s way to the surface again. how can i kill a part of me? how do i kill the feeling that you’ll leave because this fear is driving me crazy. and when i talk to you i don’t feel any better about it because like i said, i feel like the more you’re talking to her, the more you’ll stop needing me around and when that happens, why would you stick around with me? 

oh, god. i’m such a moron. 

ok, you told me you can’t talk yesterday and then you spent an hour talking to her. it’s just kind of pissing off. that’s all. at this rate, i think we won’t really manage being “best friends” if that’s what we even are

i still feel weird when you tell me you talked to her so much. you can’t spare over 20 minutes for me unless it’s something serious like a fight or i’m upset or you’re upset or something. and now i doubt you’d tell me if you had a problem. you’d probably call her anyway. well, whatever. 

get over it, arushee. so what if you lose your best friend. so fucking what

why thank you, now how about you fuck off?

okay so this guy is flirting with me. i am so not used to this. and thanks anmol, you just made 2373747390 times more awkward for me-.- hahahaha this is getting funny now